The Shadow, Instant Karma and Thoughts of Suicide

We all have a shadow, the dark part of ourselves that we sometimes deny or project on others. It comes out in times when we are triggered, in fear or feel separated from everyone and everything.

But the truth is that we are all in this together. Anyone who tells you differently is living in their own shadow. Anyone who thinks that they are more important than others is merely deluding themselves.

On the flip side, anyone who feels low and insignificant is also living in their personal shadow.

Each one of us matters. Every single one of us.

It has been said that something as seemingly insignificant as the flutter of a butterfly’s wing can ultimately cause a typhoon on the other side of the world. This is because everything is connected.

But then, you know that already. You might even call it the Internet.

My personal shadow has been a lifelong battle with depression. But I made a promise before I was born to get through this and shine as much light as I can. That’s why I started writing this blog.

My journey in this lifetime has taken me to the depths of despair far too many times.

My life has been a struggle for most of it. I live too much in my head trying to find solutions to my problems, many of which are money related. Whenever I put those solutions into action, they never turn out how I expected. In fact, many choices that I made with my head have made the situation worse.

My financial problems had gone from bad to worse. I wasn’t getting enough work at my job to support myself and last month my online sales were the lowest they have been in December. I usually make enough in the holiday season to get me through a few months but despite all my marketing, I lost money.

I was at my lowest point I’ve ever been.

Last Wednesday night, I sat in my car as I contemplated suicide.  I was going to leave the car running in the garage and attempt to kill myself from carbon monoxide poisoning. I didn’t because I thought that maybe the poison could leak into my neighbor’s condo unit.

The next day, I totaled my car.

It was a freak accident that was caused because of my thoughts and actions. The front of my little Ford Focus went underneath the bumper of a giant Hummer. That vehicle was left with a few scratches. My hood bent in two and was pushed into the windshield.

I didn’t die. I walked away from the accident.

I’ll get through this rough patch. I have to. My inner guidance tells me that if I take my life, I will set things back for myself and end up reincarnating in a much more difficult life.

What we don’t overcome, we are forced to repeat.

We need to embrace our shadow and love it. And to do that, we have to live from the heart. We have to be careful what we think and say because like John Lennon sang, Instant Karma‘s gonna get you, gonna knock you right in the head.

It got me. It changed my life. I don’t know what’s going to happen. The only thing I know is that I have to make it through this.

Maybe you are in a dark place also. Maybe something that I write will help in your life. Maybe we all need to get through the darkness together.

I am here to serve humanity. We are all pieces of a puzzle of life.  What if I am a piece of your personal puzzle? What if you and I had decided before we were born that we would connect our puzzle pieces to create a new, wonderful world? Ending my life would never allow that to happen.

Some of the things that I am planning to write in the future have never been written before. I know that I hold an important piece of the cosmic puzzle about imagination. I am not saying this to be elitist. I am merely speaking what I know, from my own heart and soul.

Yesterday, on a walk in nature, my beloved and I saw a young bald eagle. He later asked me to read about what eagle stood for in terms of Animal Spirit Medicine. I read the passage from Ted Andrew‘s Animal-Speak book.

I cried through the entire last paragraph:

To align yourself with eagle medicine is to take on the responsibility and the power of becoming so much more than you now appear to be. From a karmic aspect, it reflects that the events will now fly faster, and the repercussions for everything you think, do or say (or fail to think do or say)–positive and negative–will be both stronger and quicker. To accept the eagle as a totem is to accept a powerful new dimension to life, and a heightened responsibility for your spiritual growth. But only through doing so do you learn how to move between worlds, touch all life with healing, and become the mediator and the bearer of new creative force within the world. 

It reminded me that I have a mission to fulfill and I cannot leave until it’s finished.

So, until then, I’m gonna shine on like the moon and the stars and the sun.

Always,
Alice Always

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