Tag: self-love

The Present of Being Present: Awareness

I started writing this post exactly 4 months ago today. At that time, I was working at a job that was wreaking havoc on my health. It’s rather curious that I would return to this post on the exact same day (on the 23rd of all days – more about that another time). It’s also rather curious that my mind would be concerned with being present. My present (yes, pun intended) circumstances lend a lot to what is happening.

I will say this now and probably will say it again and again:

There are no accidents,
only lack of awareness of what is happening.

Here is what I wrote on June 23, 2017:

The word for today is present. Every single day, not just this one, that is, if we are truly present.

I’m in a very difficult situation. I work at a back-breaking job and I’m reaching my personal breaking point as Humpty Dumpty in regards to my joints.

I have arthritis in my fingers, wrists, neck, back, hips and now possibly in the knee. Pain is par for the course.

I just came back from the doctor. I wanted relief. He said I’ll just have to live with it.

I refuse to accept pain as a way of life.

Today, October 23, 2017, I am experiencing severe pain in my joints throughout my body. There is a low-pressure front and it is causing swelling.  On days like today, the stiffness makes me move extremely slow like an Ent.

I’m not complaining about this. I am trying to illustrate what it feels like to have widespread arthritis with a bit of humor. I’ve been doing a mental exercise to alleviate the pain by just observing it. In time I hope to be in a pain-free life, but that is not today.

This morning when I woke up an old poem I wrote years ago came to my head:

After we see
the beauty
of our own pain
then we begin

The image of a painting I did that was based on that poem also flashed through my mind. Here it is:

“Beauty of Pain” by Ginny Gaura

I created this mixed-media piece about 15 years ago when the arthritis was localized to my lower back. I didn’t create this painting because of physical pain. I was experiencing emotional pain back then.

But pain is pain whether it is emotional or physical. It is not pleasant.

Back in the early 2000s my fingers were just beginning to develop osteophytes, bone spurs that disfigure my joints. Back then, I didn’t have pain in my hands, I just had a few swollen joints. Now the hand pain is sometimes so severe that daily activities such as typing can cause pain. Also, my fingers are crooked on my right, which is the dominant hand.

I am only 55. My mom developed bone spurs in her hands later in life. When she passed at 77, her joints were not as disfigured as mine are now.

I have had back issues since I was a teenager and was diagnosed with osteoarthritis of the spine with bone spurs in my thirties, so the illness has had a long time to progress.

Someone in the public eye claimed that his bone spurs got better. At least from my experience, bone spurs only get worse with time.

Sometimes there is a gift within the pain if we allow ourselves to see it. For me, it is awareness. I am aware of what is hurting but I am not letting it overpower my life. I am listening to my body, moving it slowly and treating it with care. What is happening is allowing me to open more fully in awareness, to see things in a more intense light, to be more present in the moment.

What new awareness have you had recently?

Always,
Alice Always

 

Self-Love: The Most Important Gift that We Give to Ourselves

In my last post, I talked about gifts that we give can share with others, the things that make us unique. Today I’m talking about something that many of us have difficulty with: self-love.

There is a saying that you cannot love another person without loving yourself first. But I am capable of loving others, I know that. I have wonderful loving relationships with relatives and friends. And I genuinely feel a deep love for my boyfriend.

When it comes to loving myself, that is another story. Right now, I am constantly criticizing myself for what I consider my faults: indecisiveness, procrastination, making choices and later regretting them, and battling bouts of severe depression and anxiety which prevent me from doing so many things.

My thinking patterns have been chaotic of late and trying to move ahead with this blog has been rough. I have fears of rejection and fears of success created by issues of low self-esteem from childhood that I am still working through. As a result, I have been writing posts but not sharing them. Well, more like not finishing them because I get distracted so often.

I have had things happen in the last year that has set me back further than I ever expected. I thought by now I would be making progress but I feel like a turtle in a world of rapidly moving digitally-oriented people who thrive on the constant changes of the age.

I grew up in an age prior to the World Wide Web, though I have been using Macs as a graphic designer since the early days of Apple and Photoshop. Back then, when I made a change in Photoshop, I would have to wait a while for it to finish processing on the screen. I could go get a coffee and when I came back, the spinning ball of death had stopped.  Or at least I hoped. Boredom drove me crazy back them.

Now everything is instantaneous. There is no time for boredom. It’s nice but it reminds me of how fast time goes by and how much I still have to do.

Our lives are to teach us how to love. We create stories and judgments in our heads of how we think life should be and that does not serve us at all.

I am doing my best to let go of my self-criticisms and it is an ongoing process.

We can be so hard on ourselves, yet we can be more accepting when we see the same behaviors in others.

I have to comfort my little inner child many times a day that everything is alright. I often put my hands on my heart and tell that little one inside who is scared and frightened that she is safe and loved.

If you are going through a rough patch now and dealing with issues of self-love, you are not alone.

Place your hands over your heart and feel it beating. Breathe deeply and picture a golden light within your heart. Continue breathing deeply and feel the light expand outward. Feel its warmth.

That feeling is the love that is you.

Always,
Alice Always